In my case, loneliness is something of a double-edged sword, because while I truly need the contact and interaction of others, all too often, some of the times I’m the loneliest is when I’m around other people. When I listen to their conversations and seem to be unable to really interact on that level, for whatever reason, it forces me to put up a mask really, to appear to be "ok" by the standards of others. This should be unnecessary, and around your closest friends, those that do understand you and know what’s going on to some extent, those who will sit there and talk to you for hours, it usually is. All too often though, whether it’s at work or around family, you seem to be forced to hide your true feelings, usually for the perceived good of those around you. This is how a lot of people live their lives, myself included to a great extent.
The problem is, that in guarding those you care about and denying yourself, you ultimately do yourself no service, and in turn, you hurt yourself, as well as those who care about you. It’s not a malicious thing, it’s more passive. You just start guarding yourself in terms of some emotions, and in time, it starts to encompass all your emotions, even the ones beneficial to you. Without being honest to yourself and the people who truly care about you, it eats you up inside. Anyone who’s gone through this and has found someone to confide in, a true friend, knows the relief that comes when they’re finally able to get it off of their chest, and it usually does so in a rush of tears. This is why it’s so important to be honest with others, even when it comes to those things that may in fact hurt, but have to be said, either for your good (and survival), or theirs.
That’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, feeling pressured about not saying what’s truly weighing on my heart. I prolonged a self-punishing, loveless relationship for six years that way, not wanting to hurt the other person, and constantly choosing to hurt myself instead. There are times to be selfless, and compassionate, more thoughtful of others than yourself, especially in relationships, but when you allow youself to start wasting away in something past the point of no return, that’s the time to be honest with yourself and others. It took me at least 4 years to learn that lesson (more than that probably; that’s the amount of time I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable, because it hurt too much to think about...in the end, the one hurting was me). You have to be true to yourself, which is something that seems to come with much difficulty for most of us.
Being true to yourself is probably one of the most difficult things in this life, but it’s also one of the most important, because that’s the first step in knowing who you really are. I’m not about to say that I’m there yet, but I’m learning, and seeing glimpses about myself. Some of them, I’m honestly not that crazy about, but there are some qualities that I do like about myself. One thing I do know is that I’m tired of feeling like I *HAVE* to put on a front just to get by in this world. All I know is that one of the best feelings in the world is to be truly accepted for who you are, faults and all. The friends who do this are truly few and far between (count them on one hand and you’ll probably have a couple of fingers left over), and they’re also the ones who are the first to ask you what’s wrong when you’re not quite yourself. Do what you can to be around them as much as possible, and everything you can to avoid being around those who you feel forced to front for. Life is ultimately about love, and ultimately, being around those you love and who love you back just as much is what makes a person better than they alone could have imagined.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."
Dr. Suess
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Patience...necessity.
I guess some recent developments have taught me a bit about patience. I consider myself to be a fairly patient person (sometimes overly so), but it's never really been an easy task. I think a lot of people have this idea that patience is just some state of mind you somehow attain as you mature, but it hasn't really been like that, not in my experience at least. You just don't magically arrive when it comes to patience.
You've heard of patience being a virtue, but most of the people who use that phrase are those who've never really had to use it. Patience is a force of will more than anything else, and honestly, you only ever really use it unless you've found something worth waiting for, something you feel like you can't live without. Today's culture is all about instant gratification, which is one of the reasons I'm in debt now (patiently working on that too...and improving). The sad thing about that is that most things worth having, most things that are really worth working for, worth living for, will never be had easily. A person who never waits for the things in life will ultimately live a shallow life, a life without challenge, without meaning. It's only through patient pursuit, and all the steps necessary, that you really learn to appreciate anything. You don't take things for granted in cases like that, you treasure them, you contribute to them, you more or less love them. Ultimately, patience is necessary for contentment, for joy.
I guess this is most obvious when it comes to the rough spots you sometimes go through in life, times when it looks like you're on your last legs. Being patient during those times, maintaining hope, it can seem like you're giving everything you've got just to get up in the morning, but if you press through, if you keep moving towards your goals, your dreams, patiently, that will give you the sustenance to keep going. Every day you get through is a day closer to where you want to be. Some days will seem easier, while others might seemingly be your undoing, but ultimately, when you reach that destination, when you're able to hold that which you've been dreaming of, it will all have been worth it. The struggles you took getting there will be distant memories of the past, fading away, but the rewards of finally being where you've always needed to be, that's something altogether worth any price you could have paid and any amount of time you could have spent. It's a place regret never enters, and from which the greatest contentment one can find in life springs forth. If there's somewhere you truly want to be in life, something you truly need to have, someone you truly need to be with, and your choice is to either give up or be patient, choose the latter.
You've heard of patience being a virtue, but most of the people who use that phrase are those who've never really had to use it. Patience is a force of will more than anything else, and honestly, you only ever really use it unless you've found something worth waiting for, something you feel like you can't live without. Today's culture is all about instant gratification, which is one of the reasons I'm in debt now (patiently working on that too...and improving). The sad thing about that is that most things worth having, most things that are really worth working for, worth living for, will never be had easily. A person who never waits for the things in life will ultimately live a shallow life, a life without challenge, without meaning. It's only through patient pursuit, and all the steps necessary, that you really learn to appreciate anything. You don't take things for granted in cases like that, you treasure them, you contribute to them, you more or less love them. Ultimately, patience is necessary for contentment, for joy.
I guess this is most obvious when it comes to the rough spots you sometimes go through in life, times when it looks like you're on your last legs. Being patient during those times, maintaining hope, it can seem like you're giving everything you've got just to get up in the morning, but if you press through, if you keep moving towards your goals, your dreams, patiently, that will give you the sustenance to keep going. Every day you get through is a day closer to where you want to be. Some days will seem easier, while others might seemingly be your undoing, but ultimately, when you reach that destination, when you're able to hold that which you've been dreaming of, it will all have been worth it. The struggles you took getting there will be distant memories of the past, fading away, but the rewards of finally being where you've always needed to be, that's something altogether worth any price you could have paid and any amount of time you could have spent. It's a place regret never enters, and from which the greatest contentment one can find in life springs forth. If there's somewhere you truly want to be in life, something you truly need to have, someone you truly need to be with, and your choice is to either give up or be patient, choose the latter.
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