Being true to oneself...

In my case, loneliness is something of a double-edged sword, because while I truly need the contact and interaction of others, all too often, some of the times I’m the loneliest is when I’m around other people. When I listen to their conversations and seem to be unable to really interact on that level, for whatever reason, it forces me to put up a mask really, to appear to be "ok" by the standards of others. This should be unnecessary, and around your closest friends, those that do understand you and know what’s going on to some extent, those who will sit there and talk to you for hours, it usually is. All too often though, whether it’s at work or around family, you seem to be forced to hide your true feelings, usually for the perceived good of those around you. This is how a lot of people live their lives, myself included to a great extent.

The problem is, that in guarding those you care about and denying yourself, you ultimately do yourself no service, and in turn, you hurt yourself, as well as those who care about you. It’s not a malicious thing, it’s more passive. You just start guarding yourself in terms of some emotions, and in time, it starts to encompass all your emotions, even the ones beneficial to you. Without being honest to yourself and the people who truly care about you, it eats you up inside. Anyone who’s gone through this and has found someone to confide in, a true friend, knows the relief that comes when they’re finally able to get it off of their chest, and it usually does so in a rush of tears. This is why it’s so important to be honest with others, even when it comes to those things that may in fact hurt, but have to be said, either for your good (and survival), or theirs.

That’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, feeling pressured about not saying what’s truly weighing on my heart. I prolonged a self-punishing, loveless relationship for six years that way, not wanting to hurt the other person, and constantly choosing to hurt myself instead. There are times to be selfless, and compassionate, more thoughtful of others than yourself, especially in relationships, but when you allow youself to start wasting away in something past the point of no return, that’s the time to be honest with yourself and others. It took me at least 4 years to learn that lesson (more than that probably; that’s the amount of time I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable, because it hurt too much to think about...in the end, the one hurting was me). You have to be true to yourself, which is something that seems to come with much difficulty for most of us.

Being true to yourself is probably one of the most difficult things in this life, but it’s also one of the most important, because that’s the first step in knowing who you really are. I’m not about to say that I’m there yet, but I’m learning, and seeing glimpses about myself. Some of them, I’m honestly not that crazy about, but there are some qualities that I do like about myself. One thing I do know is that I’m tired of feeling like I *HAVE* to put on a front just to get by in this world. All I know is that one of the best feelings in the world is to be truly accepted for who you are, faults and all. The friends who do this are truly few and far between (count them on one hand and you’ll probably have a couple of fingers left over), and they’re also the ones who are the first to ask you what’s wrong when you’re not quite yourself. Do what you can to be around them as much as possible, and everything you can to avoid being around those who you feel forced to front for. Life is ultimately about love, and ultimately, being around those you love and who love you back just as much is what makes a person better than they alone could have imagined.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."
Dr. Suess