Abandonment...

Abandonment. It's something I've had to deal with for years. Sometimes the other person isn't at fault, at other times, it's hard not to find fault, even if you don't really want to. Sometimes it's just the motion of life, people move on, and it's hard to keep in touch. At others, they just decide, for whatever reason, that they've had enough of you, that you're more trouble than you're worth. Either which way, it's hard for me to deal with. It's one of the things that's led to my distrust of more or less the entire human race. Even if they don't mean to be that way, our human bent makes us selfish. All too often all we care about is ourself, and we do things without thinking about the consequences to those around us. Try as I might, and as much as I don't like to admit it, I've done it myself, and it's been done more times to me than I want to think about. It's hard to feel hope when everything you've worked so hard for comes tumbling down.

It's happened again, and once again, the message is loud and clear: You're not worth the trouble. You don't mean enough to me to continue with this. In the case of love, these kind of things are indeed a very bitter pill. This saddens me to no end, makes me bitter, cynical...things that at one point in my life, I used not to be. Life (and people) chew you up, spit you out, then grind you under its cruel heel. Why do I want to keep getting up for this? Why do I want to keep going on? Why do I want to keep fighting when it seems that everything I do is for nought? These are the questions I continue to ask myself.

I know what I'll do. I'll go to work, try to keep busy, and put my head down, continuing to trudge through it all. I'll keep trying, even past the point of total exhaustion. It feels like nothing I ever do will be successful, and all the work and sacrifice I can muster won't change that. I don't know what else to do. It almost feels like being hung, at the end of my rope, but that my neck won't snap. I'm just twisting in the wind, waiting for an end that doesn't come. I just feel lost, no direction, wondering what to do next. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...