The Garden

Just a little something that I've been listening to lately from a band called The Creepshow, a psychobilly/horror punk band out of Canada. Good stuff...thanks eMusic.

At odds...

I'm not really sure why, but the older I get, the more at odds I seem to be with society's expectations. Politically, relationally, career...what I want and expect for myself just isn't what society-at-large tells me I should have or should aspire to be. Maybe some of that is due to the fact that I don't see myself ever being successful on society's terms, but I guess a man has to be honest with himself a bit before he can be honest with anyone else. One thing I'm coming to terms with is just how antagonistic others can be when you express an opinion frankly without sugar-coating it for them, despite the fact that they'd never do that "service" for you. I'm tired of trying to live up to a status-quo designed for the types of people I'd rather not associate with. There has to be a better way...

Punk is back.

Punk is back...not that it really went anywhere. Ever get sick of so-called "punk" bands singing about, oh, I don't know, prom and streets and every bit of random nonsense in-between? I am. Chock it up to being more about the image than the message or spirit of the music. Chock it up to the MTV phenomena. Chock it up to corporate greed. Chock it up to a lack of passion. Chock it up to whatever...

At any rate, here are some lyrics by a band called Juicehead (off of Misfits Records). This is the kind of railing against the status quo that got me into punk to begin with, a dissatisfaction with the way things are, a rebellion against the crap that most people just bend over and take, a realization that things can get better if you'll actually do something about it...

Open Sore by Juicehead

It seems to me there's new curriculum
Without a balanced equilibrium
What ever happened to the way things were
It's all a blur, no medium
Idiocy is the prerequisite
When MTV has got their hands in it
Abomination, a god awful shame
Mass media

Is that how it's gonna be
All I see is mental truancy
They're not as clever as they seem
It's all the same to me
No new philosophy is seen

You never question what they feed to you
Like asking blind people to see for you
You wear a barcode, but you wear it well
The likes they sell, you're buying them
The corporation's got it all worked out
Keep you sedated, keep you nailed down
Substance cannot defeat the dollar bill
A platform built on tedium

Is that how it's gonna be
All I see is mental truancy
They're not as clever as they seem
It's all the same to me
No new philosophy is seen

Salt on an open sore
It's hard to feel much more
What's easy
Standards receding
With sights set on the green
Can't call that music clean
It's sleazy
Heartless and greedy

You built it up to tear it down
You built it up to tear it down
You built it up to tear it down

Mike Ness - Don't Think Twice

This is a personal favorite of mine. Whenever I'm sad or drinking (or both), this one is going to get played.



I'm glad that the bartenders at Group Therapy are always ready to play this one.

Bohemian...apparently.

Hmmm... So I was just speaking to my mother about possibly applying for a job at IBM. She's not sure that's a good idea because I'm apparently quite "bohemian." I'd never really thought of myself that way, so I looked it up on Wikipedia and it summed the term up quite nicely this way:

"Outsiders apart from conventional society and untroubled by its disapproval."

You know, I kind of like that.

Yeah...I guess I am "bohemian." It beats the alternative...

No more trying. It's time to do...

I need to quit trying to do things, and just do them. All too often I say that I'm going to try to do something, and as soon as I say that word (try), I basically know that my heart isn't in it, and that I'm going to fail. From now on, no more trying, just doing. If I can get myself into that mindset, I won't fail, nor will I be demoralized by the failures I'm basically setting myself up for.

Here are some things I need to get done:

Stop Smoking: This one is killing me. I'm tired of coughing. I'm tired of waking up and my chest feeling heavy. I'm tired of not being able to breathe. I'm tired of feeling like I need a smoke to relieve me of stress. I'm tired of killing myself. I'm quitting smoking today. I'm throwing my tobacco away, and I'm not going to pick it back up. I'm also not going to let it get to my mood and push me into being a jerk. I'm throwing it away and I'm not going to pick it back up. The end.

Stop drinking: Lately I've been drinking way too much and spending too much money in the process. I need to stop. I've basically been using it to drown the old sorrows, and it's really not working. The sorrows always come back and I end up feeling like absolute garbage. It's time to throw this one away too. I intend to enjoy an adult beverage from time to time, don't get me wrong, but it's no substitute for emotional stability. That's something I've got to find within myself, not a bottle.

Lose weight: Yeah. I was dieting and lost over 30 pounds (closer to 40), but over the last month, between starting to eat more similarly to my old ways and the aforementioned drinking, I've gained a little back. It's time to jump back on the horse, because my target weight was 190, and I'm nowhere near that yet. I'll be there by the end of the year though.

Exercise: Yeah...here's another one I keep telling myself that I'm going to do...someday. I'm 30 now, and if I don't start being healthy now, chances are it's not going to get any easier in the future. It's time to work off the gut, build up some muscle and basically start getting myself back into game shape. I might not play sports any longer, but the fact is that the field of life is much more daunting. I need to have strength and be the best person I can be for those I love, in all facets of life.

Pay off my debts: This has been happening, but not as quickly as I would like. I need to stop all frivolous spending and just doing the right things, namely, get myself out of debt. If I play my cards right, I could get most of it taken care of by the end of the year. Once I get that out of the way, worries about not having money or credit, or never being able to support a family will be a thing of the past, and that would be a very welcome thing.

Think better of myself: Honestly, I don't think much of myself, and I really never have. I know a lot of you think I'm a good guy (some of you might even think I'm attractive, heh), but I've never seen that. That needs to change. I need to be honest enough with myself to recognize the good about me, while also acknowledging the not so good traits and working on them. No one is perfect, I know I'll never be, but I'm nowhere near as bad as I think I am. It's funny, I can be honest with a lot of you about how great I think you are (and when I tell you something like that, you can bet that it's absolutely true...I'm not just telling you what I think you'd want to hear), but I've never really been able to do that with myself. It's time for me to be honest about myself, to myself...

Well, that does it. Those are the things I'm going to do. Not try to do, just do. It will be difficult at some points, but nothing worth having comes easily. Health and self-respect are definitely things necessary for the happiness I want to experience some day, so taking these head on is absolutely necessary. If you see me faltering, help me out, back me up. Sometimes it's hard to do things completely on your own and a helping hand, a supportive word, even a caring glance, these things can make all the difference in the world during those times.

"Do, or do not. There is no try."

Keep Swinging

You know, sports analogies and anecdotes are a dime a dozen, but I think the reason for that is because they’re so applicable to the struggle that is the day-to-day for most people. As I’ve grown older, my interest in sports has dwindled a bit, replaced by a yearning for things that are more pertinent, more necessary to life. Still, those old analogies remain. Lately I’ve been feeling down and out, like a grizzled fighter just trying to survive the round against a stronger, faster, younger opponent. Sometimes it feels like you’re on your last legs, and you’re getting hit in the face no matter where you turn. At that point, it’s easy to lose heart, it’s easy to lose hope. The thing that most any fighter will tell you though, is that’s when it’s most important not to, because the minute you’ve done that is the minute you’ve lost, and when it comes to the game of life, that’s something you just can’t afford to do. It’s at that point, when you don’t know what to do, and when all things seem lost, that you have to pull something from deep within yourself and just give it everything you’ve got. From a defensive point of view, it makes you vulnerable, it’s a risk, but that’s what you have to do to fight. There’s nothing in life worth having that doesn’t involve risk. It could backfire, and you could get hit some more, but that’s going to happen anyways. You can either choose to fight back, with all your heart, with everything you’ve got, or give up and be down for the count. People do this in a lot of ways, staying in dead-end jobs, staying in unhappy relationships, giving up on hopes and dreams, becoming complacent and just coming to the conclusion that "this is life, it’s not going to get any better." All of the things I just mentioned are things I’ve done in the past, and things I struggle with every day. More often than not, I get pummelled and feel like giving up, but I know I can’t. If I give up, I’m as good as dead. I won’t be good to anyone, not myself, not my family, not my friends.

I intend to keep swinging, to keep fighting. I might get hit, I might get knocked down, and when you look at me, I might be bloody and bruised, but I’m not giving up. If it looks like I’m on my last legs, don’t worry about me, cheer for me, because chances are, life just gave me another devastating combination, but I’m up, on my feet, looking life (and death) in the face and asking "Was that the best you’ve got? Is that it?" Cheer me on people, because I’m going to need it. One of the things that will make a person give up the fastest is when they feel alone and forgotten. There’s nothing quite as comforting, and frankly, inspiring, than knowing that you have people behind you that care and who want to see you coming out on top. If you’re there for the people you care about, cheering them on, and supporting them, at worst you’ll help them get back on their feet, and at best, they’ll come out on top. Keep swinging people, because it’s never too late to turn the fight around, it’s never too late to get to where you need to be.

The fact is that I’m writing this as much for myself as I am for anyone else (some of you out there might need it too though...I know a lot of you well enough to know that). Life has been coming at me fast and furiously lately and I feel bloodied, bruised, even a little bit numb. I’ve been dealing with things the wrong way, and I need to make some changes, especially with how I react emotionally to things. Sometimes I feel worried, confused, and more than anything, just plain anxious. Sometimes it just feels like my heart is being pricked by a hundred needles. For those of you who’ve been there for me over the years, who’ve seen me at my worst, and who’ll be there to see me at my best, you’ve got my thanks, my gratitude and my friendship to the end. You’re the people who keep me moving forward, even when my heart feels it can’t go another round. Thanks for keeping me headed in the right direction when life has me seeing triple. If you need me, know I’ve got your back...

I’ll end this with a quote, fittingly enough from Rocky Balboa...

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"

Being true to oneself...

In my case, loneliness is something of a double-edged sword, because while I truly need the contact and interaction of others, all too often, some of the times I’m the loneliest is when I’m around other people. When I listen to their conversations and seem to be unable to really interact on that level, for whatever reason, it forces me to put up a mask really, to appear to be "ok" by the standards of others. This should be unnecessary, and around your closest friends, those that do understand you and know what’s going on to some extent, those who will sit there and talk to you for hours, it usually is. All too often though, whether it’s at work or around family, you seem to be forced to hide your true feelings, usually for the perceived good of those around you. This is how a lot of people live their lives, myself included to a great extent.

The problem is, that in guarding those you care about and denying yourself, you ultimately do yourself no service, and in turn, you hurt yourself, as well as those who care about you. It’s not a malicious thing, it’s more passive. You just start guarding yourself in terms of some emotions, and in time, it starts to encompass all your emotions, even the ones beneficial to you. Without being honest to yourself and the people who truly care about you, it eats you up inside. Anyone who’s gone through this and has found someone to confide in, a true friend, knows the relief that comes when they’re finally able to get it off of their chest, and it usually does so in a rush of tears. This is why it’s so important to be honest with others, even when it comes to those things that may in fact hurt, but have to be said, either for your good (and survival), or theirs.

That’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, feeling pressured about not saying what’s truly weighing on my heart. I prolonged a self-punishing, loveless relationship for six years that way, not wanting to hurt the other person, and constantly choosing to hurt myself instead. There are times to be selfless, and compassionate, more thoughtful of others than yourself, especially in relationships, but when you allow youself to start wasting away in something past the point of no return, that’s the time to be honest with yourself and others. It took me at least 4 years to learn that lesson (more than that probably; that’s the amount of time I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable, because it hurt too much to think about...in the end, the one hurting was me). You have to be true to yourself, which is something that seems to come with much difficulty for most of us.

Being true to yourself is probably one of the most difficult things in this life, but it’s also one of the most important, because that’s the first step in knowing who you really are. I’m not about to say that I’m there yet, but I’m learning, and seeing glimpses about myself. Some of them, I’m honestly not that crazy about, but there are some qualities that I do like about myself. One thing I do know is that I’m tired of feeling like I *HAVE* to put on a front just to get by in this world. All I know is that one of the best feelings in the world is to be truly accepted for who you are, faults and all. The friends who do this are truly few and far between (count them on one hand and you’ll probably have a couple of fingers left over), and they’re also the ones who are the first to ask you what’s wrong when you’re not quite yourself. Do what you can to be around them as much as possible, and everything you can to avoid being around those who you feel forced to front for. Life is ultimately about love, and ultimately, being around those you love and who love you back just as much is what makes a person better than they alone could have imagined.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."
Dr. Suess

Patience...necessity.

I guess some recent developments have taught me a bit about patience. I consider myself to be a fairly patient person (sometimes overly so), but it's never really been an easy task. I think a lot of people have this idea that patience is just some state of mind you somehow attain as you mature, but it hasn't really been like that, not in my experience at least. You just don't magically arrive when it comes to patience.

You've heard of patience being a virtue, but most of the people who use that phrase are those who've never really had to use it. Patience is a force of will more than anything else, and honestly, you only ever really use it unless you've found something worth waiting for, something you feel like you can't live without. Today's culture is all about instant gratification, which is one of the reasons I'm in debt now (patiently working on that too...and improving). The sad thing about that is that most things worth having, most things that are really worth working for, worth living for, will never be had easily. A person who never waits for the things in life will ultimately live a shallow life, a life without challenge, without meaning. It's only through patient pursuit, and all the steps necessary, that you really learn to appreciate anything. You don't take things for granted in cases like that, you treasure them, you contribute to them, you more or less love them. Ultimately, patience is necessary for contentment, for joy.

I guess this is most obvious when it comes to the rough spots you sometimes go through in life, times when it looks like you're on your last legs. Being patient during those times, maintaining hope, it can seem like you're giving everything you've got just to get up in the morning, but if you press through, if you keep moving towards your goals, your dreams, patiently, that will give you the sustenance to keep going. Every day you get through is a day closer to where you want to be. Some days will seem easier, while others might seemingly be your undoing, but ultimately, when you reach that destination, when you're able to hold that which you've been dreaming of, it will all have been worth it. The struggles you took getting there will be distant memories of the past, fading away, but the rewards of finally being where you've always needed to be, that's something altogether worth any price you could have paid and any amount of time you could have spent. It's a place regret never enters, and from which the greatest contentment one can find in life springs forth. If there's somewhere you truly want to be in life, something you truly need to have, someone you truly need to be with, and your choice is to either give up or be patient, choose the latter.

Inconsiderate People

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but something struck a nerve with me today. I can't stand inconsiderate people, and when I refer to inconsiderate people, I'm really not talking about the complete assholes out there, because you can see that coming from a mile away (assholes are preferable to a point, you know what you're getting into). I'm really referring more to the people that look like "swell guys and gals" but who just continually seem to take everyone around them for granted.

They can be personable enough, even downright "nice" (usually in a rather nauseating manner...saccharin sweetness I'll call it...artificial as it can be), but as soon as it gets to crunch time, you can forget about counting on them. Sure, they want and seemingly EXPECT you to come through for them, but when you need the help and it's in any way inconvenient, well, you'd better have a second option. I guess selfishness is part of human nature, but these are people who are seemingly never selfless, it's just not in them to be. The best thing is that they're never at fault in their own mind, because after all, they're "nice." They're careless, but then they expect someone to clean up their mess, they'll leave you at the grindstone when you've taken the hit for them a dozen times, and most annoyingly, anything you've done in their service is conveniently forgotten the first time you happen to fall short (something you've more than likely overlooked in their case much more often).

I don't know where I was going with that, or even if I intended to go anywhere with it. It's more likely that I just needed to vent a bit. All I know is that it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to consider someone else every once in a while. Listen to someone when they're having a problem, maybe even say something back, pick up the tab every now and then, be there when your friends need you, don't take the people around you for granted, pick up something for someone every do often without them having to ask you for it, and without asking them to pay you back. If you don't want to do any of those things, then do me a favor and start acting like more of an asshole so I can see it coming. Life is dog-eat-dog way too often for my tastes. Do what you can to put it back in the favor of those around you.

Eating right...

You know, a lot of times you hear things like, "I wish I could eat right, but it's so expensive." This is true, to a point, but things have a tendency to balance themselves out. I've been trying to do a much better job at this, because, frankly, I'm probably in the worst shape of my life now that I'm pushing the big 3-0. Already I've noticed that I've lost a bit of weight (able to fit in some clothes I had grown "out" of), and I've noticed a bunch of other benefits as well. I'm able to sleep a bit better, I no longer get the awful bouts of morning indigestion from eating large portions late at night, and I generally feel better physically. Even waking up seems a little easier.

Another thing I've noticed is that I actually seem to be spending less money on food. Yes, a lot of the things I buy are more expensive (fresh vegetables and fish in particular), but I'm eating less of it. I'm also eating out less, and when I do, it hasn't been as expensive (no more beer, no more soda). I guess a lot of this has to do with the fact that you end up eating less, so again, it balances itself out.

It's been kind of a learning experience really, trying a lot of new healthy things, many of which I'm actually surprised I like (as well as a few that I won't be eating again). I've never been much of a vegetable eater, but that seems to be changing to some extent. All in all, this seems like a positive change, which is something I really, really need this year. Hopefully, it's just the first of many.

Burnt-out.

I feel burnt out on life. There's little to be positive about and the light at the end of the tunnel actually seems to be getting further away. When mentioned to others, the answers to life's problems seem so simple from their perspective, and that just makes me feel smaller and less able to do anything about it. Surely if it was so simple, I must be a fool...

Of course, it really isn't that simple, or at least, I hope it isn't. When someone is having a hard time, don't be fast to offer your solution, as obvious as it may be to you. If they want it, they'll eventually ask for it. Just sit and listen to them, because ultimately, people just want to know they're cared for, and that someone is willing to listen to them, no matter what kind of bitter bile they have to dredge up.