Sense of dread...

Seems like there's an impending sense of dread surrounding work lately. I've never been the most positive person when it comes to, well, most anything, but this is different. It's almost like being on the verge of losing consciousness while a vulture circles overhead. It just feels like something is about to happen, and that it's not going to be good for most of the people it effects. It's almost as if those running the show (the vultures) are doing their best to try to get the department at large to leave of their own accord so that they don't have to come up with bogus reasons to fire us. They make it pretty obvious that they don't trust us, even though we give them no reason not to. They do their best to create division between certain groups in the department, incorporating a tier-based "caste" system (despite their statements to the contrary) and incorporate "improvements" that manage to accomplish nothing other than complicating once-simple tasks. Probably the most frustrating thing to me is that they apparently never say what they mean, nor mean what they say. They just sit back plotting and scheming, not taking into account that we're doing a hell of a job considering the size and growth of the organization, or that what they're dealing with are the livelihoods of human beings. I'm not really sure what to do, I'm just tired of thinking about it.

First Look: Origin IRON MAN Armor (Movie)

Apparently this is the first look at the movie's version of the original Iron Man armor (the one Tony Stark builds when imprisoned and near-death). Looks good enough to me.

Just to compare, here's the armor as it originally looked in IM's first appearance, Tales of Suspense #39.

Windows Freeware Apps You Need

You know, the internet has a lot to offer, but all too often what it offers are problems for your computer. Virii, spyware and other malware run rampant, and you need something that will help. All of these are 100% free and will help protect your PC better than some commercial applications, and far better than nothing at all.

AntiVirus
Avast - Nice freeware app and one of the better free antivirus programs. The pre-boot Windows scanning agent is especially nice when it comes to ridding your PC of some of the more stubborn virii. You must register (for free) every 14 months.
Avira - The first free antivirus that I ever used is also quite competent. It's not quite as full-featured as Avast and pops up the occasional add for its full version, but it gets the job done for the most part, and isn't as resource-hungry.
AVG Anti-Virus - I've never really used this one, but it's generally the most widely-used of the free apps.

Anti-Malware
Spybot: Search & Destroy - One of the better anti-malware apps available, and it's totally free. This will basically scan your PC for a plethora of spyware (over 60,000 known variants), clean your PC, and in 17,000 cases, actually immunize your PC from infection. Install this, keep it updated, scan often.
Lavasoft Ad-Aware - Another great anti-malware app, Ad-Aware targets a slightly different type of malware than does Spybot, so it's good to use these in tandem. If you're getting lots of random pop-up ads, this one is particularly useful.
Windows Defender - Normally I wouldn't recommend a Microsoft product in a thread about security, but this does the job and it's free (if you have Genuine, aka, NON-PIRATED, Windows). I liked it a lot better when it was Giant Antispyware, but it still meets the criteria and gives some options the others don't.
AVG Anti-Spyware - I tried this one and didn't like it much (doesn't self-update), but I work with folks in IT who swear by it, so I'm including it due to their word alone.
AVG Anti-Rootkit Free - Rootkits are basically nasty little apps the conceal potentially harmful processes running on your PC. These have been pushed out by the usual ne'er-do-wells that usually make life miserable for the average PC user, as well as corporations like Sony in an iron-fisted attempt to enforce DRM. Use this if you need none of that nonsense.

Browsers
Mozilla Firefox - Firefox has basically become the alternative browser of choice for this generation of computer users, and for good reason. It's fast, stable, and not as susceptible to malware as Internet Explorer. In addition, it adds truly user-friendly features like tabbed-browsing (now incorporated by Microsoft in IE7) and extensions, useful, user-created tools that will help you do everything from check the weather to download embedded videos.
Opera - Another great browser (same as found on the Nintendo Wii...heh). This is one of the fastest full-featured browsers for Windows and can scream through pages. It has a nice look to it, and like Firefox (probably even moreso), it's not as susceptible as IE.
Mozilla Seamonkey - Another Mozilla-based browser, Seamonkey is what the Mozilla Suite has become. If you like one program to handle your browsing, e-mail, IRC & HTML-editing needs, this is it. Includes support for extensions as well, and has what I consider to be the single coolest name for a browser.

Other
Mozilla Thunderbird - The only e-mail client you'll ever need. Fast and efficient, with support for extensions, Thunderbird is probably the most configurable e-mail client available.
Open Office - You need access to Word or Excel, but don't want to pay $300+? Open Office is what you need. Free for download, it includes apps that do exactly what Office does, including save to Microsoft's file formats. This will be one of the best chunks of change you ever saved.
Foxit Reader - Adobe Acrobat Reader is slow, clunky, and, when using the browser plugins, crashes both IE & Firefox on occasion. Foxit is fast, small (less than 2MB) and generally much less of a hassle. Foxit also offers a PDF creator, but it will leave a watermark on your created PDF's unless you pony up $99.

This day is neverending...

Some days seem like they're never going to end. The clock just struck 9:00pm and I'm still at work. What was supposed to be a simple reboot has rendered some of the more important systems inoperable (such as the Cisco phone system) and the company didn't have the foresight to have a backline put in place for the IT department in case such an event arose. As such, my crappy little cellphone has been commandeered to get the job done. I'm in for the long haul. Maybe I'll be out by midnight...

Abandonment...

Abandonment. It's something I've had to deal with for years. Sometimes the other person isn't at fault, at other times, it's hard not to find fault, even if you don't really want to. Sometimes it's just the motion of life, people move on, and it's hard to keep in touch. At others, they just decide, for whatever reason, that they've had enough of you, that you're more trouble than you're worth. Either which way, it's hard for me to deal with. It's one of the things that's led to my distrust of more or less the entire human race. Even if they don't mean to be that way, our human bent makes us selfish. All too often all we care about is ourself, and we do things without thinking about the consequences to those around us. Try as I might, and as much as I don't like to admit it, I've done it myself, and it's been done more times to me than I want to think about. It's hard to feel hope when everything you've worked so hard for comes tumbling down.

It's happened again, and once again, the message is loud and clear: You're not worth the trouble. You don't mean enough to me to continue with this. In the case of love, these kind of things are indeed a very bitter pill. This saddens me to no end, makes me bitter, cynical...things that at one point in my life, I used not to be. Life (and people) chew you up, spit you out, then grind you under its cruel heel. Why do I want to keep getting up for this? Why do I want to keep going on? Why do I want to keep fighting when it seems that everything I do is for nought? These are the questions I continue to ask myself.

I know what I'll do. I'll go to work, try to keep busy, and put my head down, continuing to trudge through it all. I'll keep trying, even past the point of total exhaustion. It feels like nothing I ever do will be successful, and all the work and sacrifice I can muster won't change that. I don't know what else to do. It almost feels like being hung, at the end of my rope, but that my neck won't snap. I'm just twisting in the wind, waiting for an end that doesn't come. I just feel lost, no direction, wondering what to do next. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

Wish I knew...

I needed to go to sleep a while ago. 7am will come earlier than I would like, as it always does. I've been trying to be positive all night, but it's just not working. I want to be strong enough to take everything in stride, to keep pressing on, despite life's troubles. I feel more like falling, I feel like I've been wounded, as if I have arrows that have pierced me deep, and every step brings me closer to my doom. I feel kind of like Boromir in The Fellowship of the Rings, a good man, overcome by the ring, not necessarily in a lust for power (he wanted to take it back to his father), but overcome just the same, and then, only too late, realize what I have done. Unlike Boromir, I hope I rise once more when I fall. Giving up is not in my nature, throwing in the towel will not be my way. Some may call this stubbornness, others foolishness, cut your losses. I guess I see it more as a Captain would, I will go down with what I believe to be the right thing to do, or be uplifted by it when it succeeds. Either way, I will not be labelled as a hypocrite; no man will accuse me of giving up too early; I won't have to ask myself "What if I had only..." I'll the answer to that...for good or ill.

In the meantime, I'm down on one knee, panting, looking for something inside me I'm not sure I have, trying to fight beyond the pain, so I can stand again, fighting to the last...

Another boring day...

Well, this was basically another boring weekend, as I didn't leave the house at all. Kind of boring (ok, really boring), but it's cheap...heh ;) Didn't do much at all today, aside from eating, lounging and talking with a couple of, dare I say, cool and interesting people (like I associate with any other kind...heh): Dolly and Sam (briefly, as he's back to base).

Confused...

I'm feeling a bit confused as I type this. The reasons and particulars behind it aren't something I want to mention here, but suffice to say, I grow weary of being taken for granted by the ones I give my all for. It's a disheartening feeling...

It's like they think I'm made of stone and steel, strong enough to withstand anything. I wish that was the case, then I wouldn't be feeling confused, I wouldn't flinch, I wouldn't hurt.

Even if all this is based in misunderstanding, or circumstances I'm unaware of, the pattern is there. I don't know how much more I can realistically take, without either breaking, or lashing out.

Again, life is hard.

I wish I was a stone.

I'm a nerd/geek...

Modern, Cool Nerd
65 % Nerd, 86% Geek, 30% Dork
For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

OK...now you go take it.

Nerd, Geek or Dork Test

Not so well...

I haven't posted much lately. I guess I've been pretty lethargic about most things, including this. Exhaustion almost. Just keep trudging along the rocky path, hoping that I'll come across some place I find familiar, or at least gives me some kind of direction, but nope...I feel just as lost as ever. I keep looking for a point, but I just keep feeling downtrodden and confused. My eye hurts...

Test...

Just getting the show on the road...